I'm okay with being "done".

I did so much blogging when I was on maternity leave with my son.  I had two blogs that I (somewhat) kept up with. Guess how much I've blogged since my daughter has been born.  You probably guessed zero, and, of course, you're right.

                       

My son is 3.5 years old. He will be Four in July. This July. Four? Wasn't he just born? I'm pretty sure I blinked and he grew into an amazing, smart, stubborn little person. I feel like I've called him a toddler for so long but now he's not even that. He's a kid. Ouch, my heart.

His sister was born a month before he turned three. He was there (here?) for her homebirth. She came fast and has filled our lives with the drama we didn't know we needed. She was a more difficult newborn than he was. She cried a reasonable amount. She hated the car. She wouldn't nurse to sleep. She made me question everything.

She turned four months old and started getting easier. My overactive letdown evened itself out (the cause of some of the newborn fussiness and reason she'd never fall asleep nursing) and I figured out she was getting overtired and therefore cranky all the time. Finally I could enjoy her - my second and last baby.

Yes, we've decided we are "two and through". No, we haven't done anything drastic but we are sure our family is complete. I always said I wanted to be done having babies by 30. I'll be 29 this year. I had super easy pregnancies and labour/deliveries. I am overwhelmed by how incredibly lucky I am with two healthy children. 

I love having two kids. The love between them is so amazing to witness each day. My daughter's face lights up in the mornings and after naps, when she sees her brother. He can merely talk to her and she'll giggle - my husband and I practically stand on our heads to get a laugh out of her. 

I really am okay being done having babies. I thought I'd be sad as she outgrew each size of clothes and as she became a baby rather than a newborn. I figured I'd be devastated when she started crawling, pulling up to things and babbling, knowing this was the last time we'd have these "firsts". But I'm not. Yes, she's my last baby. I'm okay with that.

My son is so excited when she learns new things. He cheers for her and tells her he's proud of her. There's no way these milestones could be sad. No, I'll never have another baby who's stationary. And that sleepy newborn stage is a thing of the (very far) past for us. And that's okay.

I may be slightly sad I'll never be pregnant again. I loved being pregnant. I loved labour and birth. I had such amazing experiences and I'm considering myself very lucky.  BUT I love her being 7 (almost 8!) months old. She claps. She says mama and dada. She shrieks. She's going to be running before we know it.  But I don't miss her newborn, tiny baby days.

I guess I'm kind of grateful that she was a "hard" newborn. I know in a few years from now I won't remember it anyway, but right now it makes it easier to not dwell on her growing up so fast. Also, I'm pretty darn excited thinking about what we will do as a family of four as they get bigger. Camping, Disney World, trips to the beach - I can't wait! The baby days are hard - no sleep, trying to get on a schedule, trying to stay sane, keeping little people fed and happy AND maintaining a marriage, whew. Of course looking at their baby pictures is nostalgic and we "aww, look how tiny they were!" all the time. But no, I'm not sad my babies are growing up and I won't have another one. I know our family is absolutely complete with our boy and our girl. <3 p="">

New year, new plan - changes to come

Well. It's been like 8 months since I've blogged. Too long. Summer 2013 was amazing and flew by much too fast. I can't believe I didn't post once all summer. Crazy. My boy turned 2 years old in July. We spent an awesome week at our cottage and had two birthday parties for the boy. My husband and I celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary in August.

September was a great month as well. We celebrated my husband's birthday, as well as my brother's and my mother in law's. And, though we didn't know until a few weeks later, we conceived our second baby! I found out on October 1st that I was pregnant. We'd been trying for close to a year, though only 6 or 7 months of that time I was even ovulating. It took about the same amount of time to get pregnant this time as it did with Noah. My due date is early June, a month sooner than I was due with Noah, 3 years ago.

October flew by, we announced the pregnancy to my husband's family on Thanksgiving (Canadian Thanksgiving is mid-October), and to my Mom on FaceTime a few days before that. Halloween was fun, though it was pouring rain all day and evening so this Dora and Boot got very wet Trick or Treating.

I can't really remember November much - other than getting ready for Christmas, putting up the tree, shopping. I guess that's pretty much what November consisted of! Oh and Noah got to go see Santa at the mall and tell him what he'd like for Christmas (a drumset).

In December, we found out that my brother and his girlfriend are expecting a baby this coming summer as well! They are due in July, right around Noah's birthday. My best friend (who lives TOO far away) is also pregnant and due in July as well. I'm so excited for all the babies!

Christmas was great, Noah got spoiled and had an awesome time with our family and friends.

And now it's January 2014. A new year. A big year. I will be a Mom of two. Noah will become a big brother and get his very first cousin. I am still figuring out how I will make everything work and still be the Mom I want to be (the Mom I was/am to Noah) as a Mom of 2 and doing home daycare as well. I know everything will work out how it's supposed to. It's going to be busy summer and I'm so excited!

Oh, and in four days we get to see this baby on the ultrasound for the first time and (fingers crossed) get to find out if Noah's getting a little brother or sister. We cannot wait.

It feels like summer..

May 1st, what a great day to have *gorgeous* weather. It was +25 C today, and Noah and I spent the entire day outside. We went for a morning bike ride with Dad (Noah in the bike trailer), played at the park, went for a ride in the wagon and then played in the front yard with the make-shift "sensory water bins". It was an all around awesome day.

~~~

"Say cheese!"

Laying in the sand at the park

~~~

Oh, get this. My little boy is "almost two". I say that because when someone asks us how old he is, we no longer answer with "21 months". We say, "he's almost two". I don't know when this happened, but it makes me very sad. I mean, he's so sweet and smart and funny - but I just can't believe he'll be TWO years old in a few months. 

Yesterday was a rough day with him, he literally whined all day, nothing made him happy. He got mad at me for offering something, then for not offering something what he really wanted. I was supposed to be a mind reader, apparently. There was a lot of screaming, for no reason, and hitting out of frustration, which is unlike him. He also went to bed an hour early, woke up at midnight extremely pissed off and didn't go back to sleep til after 2am. It was hard, and I felt very... done.  But then he woke up at 8am in a great mood and we had an amazing day today. No whining, no screaming, no fighting.

I know some days will be harder than others, especially with him approaching two years old. But having a great day right after a terrible one made my perspective quite a bit better. And he gives the best hugs and kisses, so that helps, too. 

Here's to hoping tomorrow's just as great as today - but if it's not, we'll get through it and I'm going to try to smile and laugh more with him, and yell less... even if I feel like I'm about to explode (or rip my hair out). He's just a little guy, I have to remember, and he doesn't mean to make me crazy sometimes. Sometimes I just look at him and I'm so overwhelmed with love and I feel like a terrible Mom for ever yelling or getting upset with him. I must remember to take a deep breath and let it out, listen to him then proceed. That's my goal, going forward. 

Re-making crayons

I have a toddler who *loves* to draw/color. He has a whole bin of crayons that have come from different places and people, I threw them all together rather than keeping separate crayon boxes, etc. I also keep him coloring books and stencils in the bin, too. It works great.

Of course with little hands (and, I should admit, my hands) doing so much drawing, crayons break. Even the thicker ones that are meant for toddlers. Noah will still use the little pieces to color with but they were driving me crazy.

Today I decided to try melting them down and re-making crayons. I pulled out a foil muffin tins and a silicone icecube tray, and that was really all I needed to do this.

Step 1 - Peel off the paper and put crayon pieces in the tins, in a cupcake pan. I preheat the oven to around 400 degrees (C) and then put these in the oven just like this. I checked on them every few minutes and I stirred them around with a tooth pick a few times. After about 8-9 minutes, they were full melted so I pulled them out.

Before going in the oven

After I took them out of the oven

Step 2 - Let cool, but only a few minutes, until you can pick the muffin tins up. If you let them cool too long they will start to set. Then pour into mold (any shape or size works!)

I only made enough to do these four, because I wanted to see how it turned out before a ton of them. 

Step 3 - Put the mold into the freezer for 10-15 minutes, or until completely set. Took about 15 minutes for me. 

Step 4 - Pop the new crayons out of the mold!

They have a bit of "frost" on them in this picture, but as soon as they warmed up a bit and Noah started using them, it went away.

I was a bit unsure of how these would actual work, but they draw really well! I ended up with a redish/pink and a brown, but that's cause I just put random colors together in the muffin tins to melt. 

Here is the crayons and how they actually worked on paper.

And finally, Noah actually coloring with them. He loves how easy he can grip them and scribble, too!

It seems like Fridays are the only day I get a chance to sit down and write. It makes sense, as it's the only day I don't have extra kids here during the day. I wasted most of Noah's nap already - played on my phone, wasted time on Pinterest (though I did find a good sweet potato burger recipe for tonight) and did the dishes. Now, I sit here and can't believe I still have a few minutes to post here. He's still asleep, so I will write until he wakes.

Every day that passes brings us closer and closer to spring. I know this, but why does it feel like winter will never end? It's snowing *again* today. I'm sick of my winter boots that are no longer waterproof. I'm annoyed with pushing the stroller (and double stroller, some days) through so much snow. Boo. I am so ready for February to be over, that is for sure. Only one more week. March will be better, right?

This face tends to make everything okay. He got this take-apart toy for Christmas and suddenly *loves* it. He knows how to make the drill go and he can take out the screws himself. Once it's all apart, he calls for me to put it back together. And I do, and he takes it apart again. And, repeat.

He has so many new words and phrases all of a sudden. He loves saying "yeaaah!" and "Oh no!". He also puts words together now, like "Ruby, no!" and "Mama, draw?" and "Dadda, please!" He can sing the Batman song (Na Na Na Na Batman!) but he thinks all superheroes are Batman. Ha. He still loves kitties, dog-dogs and owls (who who) and he can show you *all* of his body parts and make almost every animal noise/sound. He amazes us so much.

We have a busy weekend ahead of us, thanks to Noah having a bad cold last weekend, so we got nothing done. We have a family dinner, tons of errands, groceries and a friends' baby shower. I'm exhausted just thinking about all the running around.

Flashback Friday

A quick post as I'm on my way out the door - Flashback Friday, since I haven't done one in a few weeks.

My boy, February 15th last year, and today! 

Tuesday Truth

I guess this constitutes as my Tuesday Truth post. It's definitely true that I'm feeling this way.

The roller coaster ride of emotions that is – deciding when to have another baby.

My husband and I always knew we wanted to have two kids. It was something we talked about before we were even engaged. He is one of two kids and I am one of three. Being the youngest of 3 wasn’t always fun growing up, especially since my sister is seven years older than me, and my brother is three years older. Paul and his sister are about three years apart, but have always been close since it was just the two of them.

Two seemed like the right number for us and I always wanted them close together. Well, it took *sixteen* months for my cycle to return after Noah was born (thanks, extending breastfeeding). It’s still not regular, either. So, now it’s looking like Noah will about about two and a half years old when we welcome a new baby (if it happens when we are hoping, in a couple months).

I can’t wait to be pregnant again. I loved being pregnant, even right up until I was overdue. I loved growing my baby – the morning (all day) sickness was well worth it. I had an amazing birth experience, and I’m so looking forward to doing it again.

But here’s the thing – I worry so much about how a new baby will affect Noah and our family of three. I know this is a normal concern (right?) but I keep wondering… will Noah’s feeling for me change? Will I feel the same way towards new baby that I did towards Noah when he was born? Will I feel differently about Noah? And all these feelings make me take a step back and really think how lucky we are to have such an awesome kid… and why would we change that?

I’m also constantly worrying about the age gap between Noah and potential new baby. I always thought I’d have two much closer together. Now I’m convinced that 2.5 years is a good gap, but what if Noah is right smack in the middle of the “terrible twos”? What if he’s not consistently sleeping through the night? How will I handle a two and half year old and a new born all day, by myself? I have so many questions.

But of course I know that it will work out the way it’s supposed to – it always does for us. I cannot help but feel like this decision is just *too* big. How am I supposed to know if I'm doing the right thing?

If anyone feels like weighing in on my feelings/thoughts here, please leave me a comment (experience, etc).

Happy Tuesday!